Culturally Speaking

Ive kinda awlays thought bout how if I were to go to France, could I fit into the French society. THey all seem shigh end upper class, crepe eating people. I wanna live that life. But I wonder if the same thing that attracts me would attract them? I always wondered how some people are attracted to different things.

My brother is full Korean. He was adopted. He is totally into the Korean things, like swords, video games and wierd anime, and not just because he's a boy, but because he wants to live up to his Korean culture.

Me on the other hand am Italian, where I want to live up to some of my cultural standards but dont think i actually could.

i am so used to our society. i grew up with things that made me who i am. and i look at other cultures and just begin to think how do they surivive. i could never survive in mexico, africa, asia, i know i would have to be in a white culture. not that im racist or anything, cause im not. It just that i feel intimidated by other races.

S P A C E

"I dont wanna talk right now, leave me alone"

Ive heard those words a lot. ANd those are deadly words to me. They are the trigger.
Its fine if someone doesnt wanna talk. But when someone says that, then i just wanna talk more and more. I cant control it.

THen it only makes it worse, and i feel like an idiot.

S
P
A
C
E

Take a sec to breathe
think bout whats going on
think bout what is happening with the other person
take a walk, eat some chocolate
COOL DOWN

How do you
Cool
D
O
W
N??

Cause when things get heated, words are said that are meant. the situation gets worse. its just a endless circle. But I wanna talk. You dont wanna talk. AN endless pull, but its best if really no one talks.

But why..
Why cant i just back the hell off when someone wants to be alone.
It seems easy, right. Leave me alone.
But to me its so complicated.

Im trying to back off when needed, but i cant change as fast as i want to, Im sorry, i really am trying. Ill learn the space and time helps...

(that was kinda random, but i had to get it off my chest---which by the way also helps free stress)

I've been waiting a long time for this moment to come Im destined for anything at all

You know how they say just to wait things out.
I used to be like fuck that. Thats bullshit.
NOW, I believe that.

I don't know how to explain things. I just thought iI was continually gonna wake up to the same nightmare every single day, but then I woke up to a good dream. For freaking once. IM HAPPY!!! I hope it doesnt go away. I hope I dont mess things up. I honestly hope its real.

When you find happiness hold onto it. Thrive off of it. DO NOT LET GO. I just went through the shittiest thing in the last 3 months.
At first I did things my way
Then I turned to my family
Then I went to my old friends
Then I opened to new people
I heard the same shit from everyone. Cliches. But the more I talked about it, the better I felt. I learned shocking facts about me and other people. THe most I learned though is that if one person means that much to you in your life, that you gotta never let go. If you know they are the one, hold on. Its hell. Its hell to hear what everyone says. But you have to follow what you want in your heart. But the key is to approach things differently. Look at your situation from all views. I was only seeing it from my point.

I never fell "out" of love.
I never gave up
I followed my heart
I ignored my brain and all common sense
I dont know if I have changed or exactly what I learned

I know there is a lot of work in any relationship and Im willing to work on it no matter what. ANd if that one special person is reading this, Just member what you told me:
I could be happy with you...
Words you spoke to me. Don't forget. You have a choice. We all do. Fuck what everyone says, if its wrong or not meant to be. YOU COULD BE HAPPY and you will. WHen our generation is at its peak, the nation will change. I know it will. Almost every person I encounter doesnt give a flying flip. The choice is yours. My choice is set on you...I said that over a year ago, whats gonna stop me after everything we've been through. I dont think we can go through anymore. We've been through the worst. Lets make the best.

This may sound like its all about me, first off remember your reading my blog. Point blank, Im gonna write about me, duh...But I have found out I am not the only one who goes through this shit. Everyone who has ever loved goes through it. Now throw me in the "cliche" pile of people.

"Ive been waiting a long time for this moment to come, Im destined for anything at all...Well Im so much closer than I have ever known..."

You lost me

is this what you want
is this what you really need
is this the way you want
things to be

im giving up hope
im giving up faith
im giving up this endless chase
im giving up my pride
im giving up your side
im giving up everything you ever lied

the love is still there
i never said i never cared
im just sick of all the pain
im sick of all your little games
your looking for perfect
your not gonna find it
i was the closest thing
your ever gonna have

im giving up hope
im giving up faith
im giving up this endless chase
im giving up my pride
im giving up your side
im giving up everything you ever lied

i know i messed up
but everyone does
you cant keep holding the same grudge
you have to forgive
you have to forget
you have to lose all your regret
those people are fake
your living in a lie
your just gonna let me walk by
this time is gonna heal
your heart is gonna feel
that everything was real

im giving up hope
im giving up faith
im giving up this endless chase
im giving up my pride
im giving up your side
im giving up everything you ever lied

you lost me
im the only one in the end
you lost me
ill be the only one til the end

Taped on a posterboard

I have never understood how people are. Emotions, reactions, and so on. But once you know a little bit about a person you are able to connect better. After seeing people present themselves on a posterboard or computer, I can see where they came from and who they are. Usually when you know nothing about a person, especially there background, you tend not to be able to connect as easily. But when you see where they are coming from you realize that most people are like you.

I found out a lot of people are always going to be going through the same things. Peopl in other countries. People who have gotten in serious trouble. People who are shy and laid back. People who are in your face. Everyone is looking for a common interest. And you can tell when they have found it.

There are two types of people. People who have found their happiness - TRULY. And people who continually are looking and may never find it. You may find it in the form of true love, in your career or in a joint. But we're all looking.

Props to those who share themselves to the world. THe world is nasty. But when the world has a little idea where you are coming from, the world tends to have sympathy. Use life to your advantage. If your happy, don't lose it. If your not, keep looking...I am.

"I love you" is 8 letters long, - so is BULLSHIT

Goodbye

Does it ever really mean a "good"bye.
How do you say goodbye to something you love. Or someone? And why does it hurt so much.

If someone were to tell you that you had to let go of them to show you how much you actually love them, would you actually do it? Let alone believe it?

Once you care about someone they are stuck in your life forever. You may care more or less for other people but you never stop. And once you LOVE somebody, your screwed. It hurts so bad. Why does something so happy have to eat away who you are. You hear everyone talk about how happy they are in love, thats bullshit. Love is bullshit. Its such a contadictory feeling. Im in love, but im miserable. That doesnt make sense, right? Once you fall in love, how do you fall out of it. Are you meant to? Or are you gonna continue to feel that way.

"It was your first true love, you'll get over it. Everyone does" Those stupid words are the words I continue to hear from everyone. Ya great, you got over it, but why am i still hurting. My common response it how the hell do you get over it. If Im just supposed to stop loving my TRUE LOVE, how do you?? How do you let them go? "Well, try dating other people, try dating a man, heck or a woman. do whatever you gotta do" my response is - "No, im in love with one person. I dont want anyone else" Maybe Im stubborn. Maybe I know this person is IT.

what works for everyone does not work for you. How the hell do you get over someone. Is it ever possible. This is the person you told everything, you loved, hugged, kissed, laughed, cried, and so on. Why risk going through another heartbreak again with someone different. Is it even worth the risk?

Or should I back track to how you know your in love
-you wake up thinking of them
-everything you see, smell, touch and hear reminds you of them
-you trust them with everything
-you think of things they love to do
-you go to sleep dreaming of them
-your clumsy
-you dream of them
-your forgetful
-THE ONLY THING ON YOUR MIND IS THEM!!!
signs of how your in love. plain and simple. One day I met someone, it wasnt love at first sight, but it grew and grew, and i got attached. when times were high, they were high, when they were low, they were low.

I dont want the same old cliche shit. This is the year 2007. We have so much new technology and theories and sceince stuff. Why am i getting the old fashion you'll be ok, when its not working. people. love is the worst and best thing. figure out a way to heal when your heart is broken.

As this time passes

As this time passes
Hey everyone...
I don't even know where to begin. I'll first start off with I'm doing a lot better than I was. Some know, and some don't. During Thanksgiving, my life took a huge turning point. And now, nearly 4-5 months later, I don't even know what to think anymore.
I thought I had changed.
I was doing really well. But I started to fall back into my old patterns. But this time around I held myself up a little taller. I owe it to a special person. I owe a lot to everyone around me.
I'm 18 now. An adult. All grown-up, but I haven't done so at all. Now everything is on me. It's scary. I've been living on my own for a while now. Dealing with money issues, bosses, and school. No, I haven't dropped out of school. I just finished what little I had left online. And I plan to start college this summer, getting a degree in Music. My life is music. I lost that somewhere during this time.
Two summers ago, I went to the mall. Don't worry I got a point to this, just listen. I went to McDonald's to get some ice cream. There machine was broken. Looking around at the other places in the mall, I was wondering where else could I get a cheap cone on a hot summer's day. Chick-fil-A. I walked in to this busy place, which I had never been into before, and I left with ice cream, a Dr. Pepper, and an application. Little did I know, I walked out with a new life.
Ever since then, my life went to new levels. Just one particular person though is the reason I'm where I am today. Which is not a bad thing, it's very good.
This person will never really understand. I wish, I only wish. I do this thing to people. People I really care about. I hurt them, and I'm really sorry, I'm testing you. Testing to see who cares back, and I didn't realize that til recently that I was testing all my loved ones. If I've done anything to hurt you, make you sad or mad, it's cause I love you.
I've realized a lot this last couple months. Time is taking it's toll on me now. It's moving too fast, that I can't keep up. And I don't know what to do with myself. Do you let the person you love more than anything walk away, and let time take them away from you if in the end their happy? Why do you try so hard sometimes just for that one person? What does it mean?
Summer approaches, along with its freak snow storms and tornadoes. And every summer, you can't help but think of summers long ago. I remember a few summers back, I spent my summers on a dirt hill, just digging. I spent in California on the beach with family. Or in Oregon, playing golf. This summer, I'll be working 40 hours a week, attending college full time, and still hoping I can come to a moment of bliss back in my life.
You ever felt a time when you were living your life and you stopped, looked around and you knew this was all right. That moment is what I want. I want that moment with only one person. I've had that moment, do you remember? King Soopers? Snow covered car? Or the time you were sick, in my arms, didn't say a word? All I did was look around, and I knew it was right.
Now I wake up everyday, knowing I can't feel that. I was up with a heart beating faster than a little dog. I wake up feeling restless. Not happy. Looking at my phone, only to see your not there. It's a troubling feeling, the complete opposite of that bliss I'm looking for.
Everybody, I want you to understand. I'm trying to find that bliss. If I ignore you, or don't seem interested or whatever, it's not cause I don't care. I love the people around me a lot. But right now, I have to do this by myself. I don't wanna talk about it. I don't want advice. Because I've had a years worth of it. Doctors, family, friends, and even strangers. It's time for me, and myself. I still want to see my friends. Hang out and have fun. Always, and I love hearing from everyone.
So thank you for everything you all have done for me. I'm sorry for everything I have done. I'm doing alright now. I'm not at the point of where I want to be, but I'm still looking. I'll keep looking. I need to find it for myself.
This time. This is the time. I have been passive in my younger years, and now I'm active. I'm active in this world. In myself. I know who I am, I know what I want. I know where I'm going. I've known since the day I played my first musical notes. From the day I made my first pasta dish. From the day I picked up a golf club. Those are my passions, for years now. The thing now is, I've found someone. I've found that someone who brought it all out in me. Who turned me active. They don't know or seem to understand. And I will never ever stop trying, or thinking bout you. I've said that since day one, and my feelings are exactly the same as they were then. I just know now exactly what they are.
I've got some growing up to do. I've got to learn some things for myself.I wish this time. This time around, it happens.
Lata...

PK (preachers kid)

Mormon.
Whats your first thought that comes to mind?
For me, its what I grew up with. My teacher mentioned that there was a south park episode where it showed a mormon family all happy, which in most cases they are. That all they do is spend time with your family. And thats what the church wants you ton "conform" to, this fake love. I beleive in fake love and true love. Why force something like love, it only makes it worse. I grew up with my dad being a bishop in our church. I find it ironic how the church wants us to spend so much time with our families, that when they choose someone like my dad as an example for the others, we did no such thing. I never saw my dad because of his church obligations, I never saw my mom either, because they own a few businesses and she has to help out with a lot of them. Now we have been chosen to be an example for the others in our church to follow when we are so miserable. We were thrown into a fish bowl, for everyone to watch and follow what we were doing. The pressure was too much. I could not handle such a high stress position. Having so much expectations from others. Dont get me wrong, Im not a slacker by any means. I actually have a genuis IQ, and I can know everything in the world, yet I cannot figure people, their emotions, or even common sense. I am an overachiever. I was in every club, I played all the sports, I did it all throughout school. I was putting on this fake mask so no one could see what was going on. I didnt want anyone to. I just wanted to be left alone. But as soon as you start wanting the alone time, people crowd you more, asking annoying questions-why why why? Why not people? They chose my dad, not me. I started to fade away from the church. It just pushed me so much. Why would I want to be what they want me to be? I wasn't trying to be a rebel, I just wanted to be left alone, so I could figure my own shit out. Its not easy being a kid these days, add the stress and your screwed. My dad being bishop eventually screwed me up. We werent the perfect family. Our family has so many different backgrounds, heck, my brother is full Korean and Im white. Confusion is what I grew up with, and what I have today. Im just lost. My dad was very controlling, my mom showed no emotion, my brother was just dumb joe off to the side, in this particular enviroment, it made me who I am today. I have no idea who my real parents are, im adopted, and not knowing who I am brings more confusion. Im so sick of the uncertainty in my life. I wish the world didnt pressure us so much. I wish people could accept us for us. I wish love didnt hurt so fucking much. Theres something missing in my life, at such a young age, I constantly continue to fight a battle within myself. A battle I have lost to, several times. How hard is it to fill the void with someone or something that makes you truly happy, but yet, its hidden by the worlds labels and expectations...