As this time passes

As this time passes
Hey everyone...
I don't even know where to begin. I'll first start off with I'm doing a lot better than I was. Some know, and some don't. During Thanksgiving, my life took a huge turning point. And now, nearly 4-5 months later, I don't even know what to think anymore.
I thought I had changed.
I was doing really well. But I started to fall back into my old patterns. But this time around I held myself up a little taller. I owe it to a special person. I owe a lot to everyone around me.
I'm 18 now. An adult. All grown-up, but I haven't done so at all. Now everything is on me. It's scary. I've been living on my own for a while now. Dealing with money issues, bosses, and school. No, I haven't dropped out of school. I just finished what little I had left online. And I plan to start college this summer, getting a degree in Music. My life is music. I lost that somewhere during this time.
Two summers ago, I went to the mall. Don't worry I got a point to this, just listen. I went to McDonald's to get some ice cream. There machine was broken. Looking around at the other places in the mall, I was wondering where else could I get a cheap cone on a hot summer's day. Chick-fil-A. I walked in to this busy place, which I had never been into before, and I left with ice cream, a Dr. Pepper, and an application. Little did I know, I walked out with a new life.
Ever since then, my life went to new levels. Just one particular person though is the reason I'm where I am today. Which is not a bad thing, it's very good.
This person will never really understand. I wish, I only wish. I do this thing to people. People I really care about. I hurt them, and I'm really sorry, I'm testing you. Testing to see who cares back, and I didn't realize that til recently that I was testing all my loved ones. If I've done anything to hurt you, make you sad or mad, it's cause I love you.
I've realized a lot this last couple months. Time is taking it's toll on me now. It's moving too fast, that I can't keep up. And I don't know what to do with myself. Do you let the person you love more than anything walk away, and let time take them away from you if in the end their happy? Why do you try so hard sometimes just for that one person? What does it mean?
Summer approaches, along with its freak snow storms and tornadoes. And every summer, you can't help but think of summers long ago. I remember a few summers back, I spent my summers on a dirt hill, just digging. I spent in California on the beach with family. Or in Oregon, playing golf. This summer, I'll be working 40 hours a week, attending college full time, and still hoping I can come to a moment of bliss back in my life.
You ever felt a time when you were living your life and you stopped, looked around and you knew this was all right. That moment is what I want. I want that moment with only one person. I've had that moment, do you remember? King Soopers? Snow covered car? Or the time you were sick, in my arms, didn't say a word? All I did was look around, and I knew it was right.
Now I wake up everyday, knowing I can't feel that. I was up with a heart beating faster than a little dog. I wake up feeling restless. Not happy. Looking at my phone, only to see your not there. It's a troubling feeling, the complete opposite of that bliss I'm looking for.
Everybody, I want you to understand. I'm trying to find that bliss. If I ignore you, or don't seem interested or whatever, it's not cause I don't care. I love the people around me a lot. But right now, I have to do this by myself. I don't wanna talk about it. I don't want advice. Because I've had a years worth of it. Doctors, family, friends, and even strangers. It's time for me, and myself. I still want to see my friends. Hang out and have fun. Always, and I love hearing from everyone.
So thank you for everything you all have done for me. I'm sorry for everything I have done. I'm doing alright now. I'm not at the point of where I want to be, but I'm still looking. I'll keep looking. I need to find it for myself.
This time. This is the time. I have been passive in my younger years, and now I'm active. I'm active in this world. In myself. I know who I am, I know what I want. I know where I'm going. I've known since the day I played my first musical notes. From the day I made my first pasta dish. From the day I picked up a golf club. Those are my passions, for years now. The thing now is, I've found someone. I've found that someone who brought it all out in me. Who turned me active. They don't know or seem to understand. And I will never ever stop trying, or thinking bout you. I've said that since day one, and my feelings are exactly the same as they were then. I just know now exactly what they are.
I've got some growing up to do. I've got to learn some things for myself.I wish this time. This time around, it happens.
Lata...